just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
When did angry sex become our thing?
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
