I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
