Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
