don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
