All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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