you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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