i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
its liver damage thursday
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
