So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
