she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Randomize
