This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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