my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
