My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
You left your phone here
Wait...
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
