Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
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