I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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