i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
sarcasm needs its own font
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
