She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
