my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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