i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
