I love black thongs
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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