3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
