There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
