He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
