my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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