have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
