There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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