you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
