She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
