So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize