i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
