Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Randomize
