It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
