Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
