shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
