Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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