Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
