ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
