You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Randomize
