So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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