I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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