I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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