I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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