i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I looked at my own cervix.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
