My nipple is on Facebook.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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