I wish I could punch you in the face.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
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