I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
