I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
