I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
