I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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