I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Randomize