I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
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