thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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