Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
