you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
