that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Randomize
