so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
