READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Randomize
