why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Randomize
