Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize