i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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